What might trigger a binge? And when you were driving to get the alcohol, what was going through your mind? Were you considering the consequences you might face? How much would you usually drink and when/why would you stop? Could you ever just have one drink? If not, what was that craving like? Could you ever control it? Did you want to control it?
Because I am not an alcoholic, I cannot fully understand living in that world. The mental torture...
I have wondered for years about a 'why'. Why was Tim an alcoholic? I'm confused about whether genetics plays a part; Tim's biological father was an alcoholic. Depression runs in our family and I believe that Tim chose to medicate his depression with alcohol. But why?
I will tell you this...My brother is a big manly man. He has never easily shared his feelings. Because of alcohol, I learned early on not to trust him with my feelings. He wasn't able to share his true feelings either. So our relationship through the years has been mostly superficial. Reading the words of this most recent letter, hearing his voice in my mind, was tough. This is the first time he has ever shared the 'why'.
I cried. For the lost little boy. For the hurting man living the rest of his life in prison; tortured by his past.
I am angry. That someone took Tim's life from him. And that Tim allowed his life to be taken from him by continuing to be a victim.
Oct. 1, 2011
8:00pm
Saturday
Why I chose alcohol
For as long as I can remember I knew my life wasn't right. I was raised in a dysfunctional family, where I developed a negative view of myself and my secret - to cope- by using unhealthy behavior. At a young age I learned not to trust anyone or myself. I stayed quiet most of the time, except for my anger that would lash out. No one in my family could help me. Anger had made it's home in me. It would dwell with me day and night. I was always scared. We moved when I was nine years old. Anger came right along with me. I had my first drink of alcohol at 9 years old. I hated the taste. The effect was good. The past souldn't be found and it went away. Alcohol became a good friend.
What would trigger a binge?
Anyone who would hurt my feelings or treat me bad. I would keep record. Alcohol would protect the past. Keep me from being hurt. I lived in fear of change and although I hated my situation it was a safe place beause it was familiar. Oh how the years would pass by, my mom's words ringing in my head, 'You are a alcoholic just like your dad.' Drinking gave me power! (like the hulk) I became a people pleaser and tried to fit in with the "in crowd". As I grew older I rebelled against my parents. Years went by - girlfriends-marriages-alcohol-getting in trouble. My past was screaming.
Driving to get alcohol and what was going on in my head.
There was a boy crying, saying no. It didn't matter. I had to calm him down. Getting drunk would make his voice go away, sometimes until I would blackout. I would protect him. That was my job.
Why would I stop?
I would stop drinking when I was trying to be the good boyfriend or husband. But when things would get out of control and I wasn't in control, it would start again.
Could I ever have just one drink?
I could never have just one drink. My anger, being scared would never allow me to have one drink. the past always came for me. In everyone I met, I felt they wanted control. I needed to always be in control or it wasn't going to be good. And every person in my life I've hurt because of my drinking. The harder I tried to make alcohol work for me the more miserable people around me became.
Do I want to control it?
I will go beyond of controlling it. I want to stop forever. As much as I tried to protect my past it almost killed me and destroyed everyone around me.
"Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free." John 8:32
Have you ever wondered what a seven year old boy remembers. I remember well. In 1973 I went into the neighbors house and my life changed forever. I was 7 years old. And no matter how much I drink I could never protect the past. Thank you Julie for praying for me!
Timothy May
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